I didn't want to have an abortion...

I was twenty-four years old. I was depressed due to the end of a four year relationship I always dreamed would lead to marriage. I was stunned when I found out I was pregnant!

I remember feeling a hundred different things - everything from shock, to disbelief, to amazement, to fear - and a whole lot of things in between. But permit me to back-track a bit. When I was eighteen years old, I had been told I would never be able to conceive a child. Hopelessly lost in a sinful lifestyle, I left myself open to contract an STD which left me scarred inside. To find out I was pregnant was, to me, just as miraculous as it was terrifying.

Well, what a mess I found myself in. I didn't feel I could tell anyone - especially my family. I was too ashamed and too afraid. I decided I would tell the baby's father, half hoping maybe this would restore our relationship. I wonder how many women have thought that very same thing. Well, I did tell him, and his response was, "I'll pay for the abortion." I was crushed! He never asked what I wanted to do, just basically made the decision for me. I did not want to abort my baby, but I let my fear and shame convince me it was the only choice I could make. I had no support financially, physically, or emotionally. How I wish there had been just one person in my life at that time who would have been there for me - who would have talked me out of it. I will never be able to undo what I did to my own flesh and blood.

The appointment was made, and my baby's father drove me to a clinic in the city, which was about an hour from where I lived. I remember putting on a johnny and then having to wait in a long, narrow, closet-like room. There were benches on either side and they were filled with other women waiting to go in. Some were crying... some were laughing and telling jokes. I remember sitting at the end of one of those benches, unable to stop the tears that were flowing down my face. Finally, it was my turn to go in. As I was lying on the table, waiting for the doctor, the tears continued. This doctor had been so kind and understanding during his brief counseling session with me. But when he came in and saw me crying, he told me in a harsh voice, "Stop that crying! It'll be over in a few minutes." So cold... so "professional". It was as though he turned off a switch. The tears stopped, and I just basically shut down everything I was thinking and feeling. I don't remember much of the procedure itself. I do remember leaving the clinic as fast as I could, even though they wanted me to wait. I remember the horrible, aching emptiness I felt inside afterwards. The emotional pain and guilt was profoundly greater than anything I suffered physically. I also remember the promise I made that day to a God I didn't know. For the first time in my life I asked for forgiveness, and I promised I would NEVER make such a horrible choice again.

Well, I have suffered through many typical post-abortion stress symptoms over the course of the past twenty years. Drug and alcohol abuse, risky sexual behavior, depression, suicide attempts, and others. Besides the emotional effects, there were also physical complications. It has been shown in studies that women who have abortions are at higher risk for infertility, miscarriages and premature labor, breast cancer, and other problems. A number of years after the abortion, I tried to have a child. It took years before I became pregnant. My precious girl was born at twenty-five weeks, fifteen weeks premature. She weighed just over a pound. It is only by the grace of God that she is alive today. But due to her extreme prematurity and low birth weight, she has some neurological disabilities. She struggles with social and behavioral issues as a result, and attends a special school. I believe with everything in me that the reason for her premature birth was the the fact that I had an abortion 10 years earlier. I was unable to carry her to term because my cervix gave out - even after stitches were placed to hold it together. My daughter will suffer the effects of my "choice" for the rest of her life - and that breaks my heart. Yes, I believe that God has forgiven me and I am forever grateful. But my daughter and I will still live with the consequences of my past decisions for the rest of our lives.

Following the birth of my only living child, I was never able to conceive again, even after having surgery which was expected to correct the problems. Although I was informed that there might be some minor complications during, or immediately following the procedure, I was never informed of any possible long-term risks. There are people who will tell you that the risks from having an abortion are minor and minimal. Well, they weren't so minor or minimal for me, or my family. I wish I had known all the facts before I rushed in and made such a permanent and destructive decision. An uninformed choice is a POOR choice!

Several years after the birth of my daughter, God finally broke through the hardness of my heart, and Jesus became my Lord and Savior. He has healed me in so many ways... put the broken pieces back together. It has not been quick or easy. In fact it continues to this day. But it has certainly been worth the effort. You see, God can take your biggest mess, and use it to shape you into a vessel through which He can pour the glory of His mercy and healing power. What He has done for me, He can certainly do for anyone who will let Him.

What a blessing and privilege it is for me to now share what God has done in my life with others who suffer the pain of a past abortion. I have volunteered as a peer counselor for CareNet-Rhode Island Pregnancy Center since September 11, 2001. I now primarily work as a Bible study co-leader for their PACE program (Post-abortion counseling and recovery). This is a ministry which is very dear to my heart. "Danny's Song" is the outflow of the final healing I received as a participant in one of these very same Pace study groups. I pray that God will use these pages to touch the lives of others, to begin to heal them as He has healed me. To the LORD be all praise, glory and honor forever!

Precious Father,
I thank You for Your incredible love and mercy. I thank You for the grace You shed upon wretched sinners like me. I thank You for Your healing touch. I pray that my life will reflect Your glory, so that others will see You and be drawn to You. May Your kingdom come, and Your will  be done on earth as it is in heaven. In the precious name of Jesus Christ,
Amen

Debbi